Tough Being a Woman

As I was pondering this week’s Tough Being a Woman post, I thought about how we are often tough on one another as women, and most often ourselves. 

There is pressure to have perfect relationships, perfect kids, healthiest kids, being a flawless cook who does it with ease, the model mother who never loses her cool, a family who doesn’t watch too much TV, children who participate in more educational activities, a beautiful home that is the envy of others with a perfectly manicured lawn, the ability to “balance it all” plus working full-time! The list goes on and on depending on who you are, and what matters to you, but women today face these daunting tasks and more.

As a child, and as I remember, most mothers were still in the home, with the exception of nurses, teachers and the occasional librarian. (There were more, but you get the jist.) But, also at that time, most of the mothers my mom’s age totally saw those women burning those bras and wanted to join right in. They hated the controlled lifestyle of the woman in the home of the June Cleaver’s of their mothers’ generations and couldn’t wait to be their own women, too. 

Fast forward to the late 1980’s, my mother’s famous quote, “Women’s lib didn’t do us any favors, now we have two jobs.” I saw frazzled moms still trying to do what they did at home before, plus working full-time. I saw dads roles not change a whole lot yet at that time. They would still just come home from work asking, “What’s for dinner?” like normal and, hopefully, ducking in time as to not get hit in the head by a flying frying pan. (For the record: This is my imagined response to my father asking MY mother this question. She always waited until he was out of the room to throw anything. Ha!) 

Today, with my generation as a woman, I see a return to simpler things. And I tell you, I buy right into it. I find the simpler things in life refreshing from the hectic, fast-paced corporate world I used to dwell in. While I still work in a world like that, like many work-at-home-moms, I work in the corporate world full-time from an office in my home. I find myself saying, “I have the best of both worlds.” I can be June Cleaver in between things and then return to my computer to social media it up. But, it is still a balance, which I am finding, is an illusion anyway. There is no work-life balance! 

I find myself taking on more and overwhelming myself with responsibilities and activities because I do work at home, but not allowing myself enough of a cushion of time even though I do have a lot of flexibility. Just today, as my children are visiting their Nana for a week, I had an appointment and I found it odd that I didn’t get up from my desk and, literally run right out the door to be late for said appointment. I was actually sitting on my porch enjoying a cup of coffee, realizing I had gotten to a perfect stopping point at work to allow myself 45 minutes to get ready and leave in time to be 15 minutes early to an appointment. 

If the kids were here, I would have had the distraction of them, while trying to compensate for that by cramming in just a few more minutes of work, all the while completely frustrated with the fact that I am getting short with them and feeling guilty that I just couldn’t give them the time they need or that I’m frustrated with them or whatever. 

How do I measure up compared to other women? As women, I think we tend to compare ourselves in beauty and in our roles (i.e. mothers, significant others). I have carried a large sense of shame over my marriage these last few years. While it was failing and having to admit it had failed. For me, it had all sorts of implications of me not being good enough in some way. Not a good enough wife, not smart enough to find the right guy, how it affected the children, not having a great guy like so & so does, I’m selfish and don’t love my kids if I cheat them out of the model family – in short, not measuring up in some way or feeling like I’m good enough. All sorts of irrational thoughts...

Finally, I’ve had enough. Sometimes people create a dynamic that can only fail in order for them to both grow and learn. Sometimes, I will use the microwave to warm up a canned meal for my kids. Sometimes, we will go through the McDonald’s drive through. Sometimes, I will let my kids watch TV all day while I work. Sometimes, I have to pick and choose my battles as a woman. You can do it all, maybe you can. But, I’ll go crazy trying, so I’m going to work on finding my authentic self, being true to it, loving my kids, still loving my job and giving myself a break once in a while.  I’m the only one who thinks I should be “perfect,” but I think I’ve always used the wrong measures of success.  I might already be just perfect, I just need to learn how to appreciate it.