It’s Tough Being a Woman Thursday

I have always been a writer.  I don’t know why my bio says “wanna-be.”  I produced a short story a week in middle school and poem after poem flew from my pen daily.  Before I graduated from high school, I had been published twice in English journals.  But, I never considered myself a writer.    

Recently, I’ve decided you are either a writer or you are not, the difference is your BIC (Butt In Chair).  That has always been a tough one for me as an adult and I’ve found it difficult to write like when I was a teenager.  But, let’s be honest, even as an active, busy teen, I still remember having time to shut the door to my room, turn on some music and just lay on my bed or floor, doodling, writing, or creating.  During that time in my life, I made time for it. 

We all need time for ourselves like this, especially us creative types.  I feel like I am drowning or suffocating if I am not creating, so for 10 years when I was busy becoming a wife, becoming a mother, becoming a career woman, and, in general, “in the thick of it,” I let it all go. 

I started this blog about a year ago, but didn’t really start posting to it until a couple of months ago.  In my current job, I am now in a full-time home office situation which, I thought, can only be a sign that I have the exact set up I always envisioned a “real” writer having.  Being able to freelance on the side from my home office.  [Erase clunky typewriter from the visual and insert my lime green lap top.]

I began writing what was going on in my life (ok, the “surface” stuff) like any blogger.  But, I quickly came to the conclusion that I was not going to be happy as a writer unless I wrote about the “real” stuff that my life is made of.  For example, posting about my overactive imagination during my first 5k race or telling anyone what I weighed.  My younger self would have been mortified that I would share this publicly, and while many of you may not personally know me, my blog is far from anonymous.  I really struggled with being from a small town and people finding out about what I write on here.  I know there are many who conceal their identity, but I am not mean, nasty or despicable.  I wouldn’t write publicly anything I would consider damaging.  While people may judge, that is beyond my control.  And hey, if they are following along just to be nosey, well then, at least they are tuning in each week for a good story, because I am FULL of THEM.  I do not lead a boring life – I LIVE.  

Esther: Queen of Persia

Now to the meat of this post and why I chose this title for Thursdays.  I became really inspired this past week when I attended my 2nd ever, in-depth real live bible study.  Now for those who know me AT ALL – don’t throw your neck out doing a double take.  I don’t consider myself an agnostic, atheist, heathen…whatever you’d like to call someone like me.  My aunts and uncles can attest from my earliest days, I am a very curious and questioning person.  (e.g. “Shut this kid up!”)  I don’t mind asking the tough questions.  But, growing up in a very conservative catholic family and town, it’s just “not something one does.”   How dare someone question the Lord or religion!  It makes others uncomfortable, however we all question things on the inside.  I don’t care who you are, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.

It’s not that I don’t “get it,” because I do.  So, please don’t misunderstand that I want to be “saved,” because you won’t be able to put it to me some way that someone hasn’t already.  I have been to EVERY church (except the church of Satan, I’ll be honest.)  I read the words, I see they’re significant, but then what?  I mean, really, then what happens?  More appropriately, I wonder, “Where do I fit in?” 

I’m not even all that sure I understand the personification of God.  I think more in terms of “What is God?” rather than “WHO is God?”  Yet, I also don’t understand how people can feel that God has abandoned them or left their lives.  When I step outside each morning and look at everything that is around me (especially when I am on my little road trips into the “real” part of the country life), I can’t understand why someone wouldn’t find that miraculous in and of itself, that there is a greater power at work.  Just so you don’t think I’m some questioning Pollyanna, I have been surrounded by some sort of mental anguish, depression, “black days,” many deaths and/or crises to some extent all my life and even I can see the beauty in the small things to understand nothing is a coincidence.  So, I now understand, I must go on a spiritual journey for myself and for my children.  

This is how I found myself sitting in a local Beth Moore study of “Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman.”  I’m already so fascinated by the historical time setting and the Persian culture and we just left the first verse!  I’m fascinated to study the only book that has a stark absence of any mention of God.  And I’m fascinated (since I know nothing about how this story ends) about a woman leader (and a Jew), who in her time would have been up against quite a few odds.  From what I understand, the overall theme is having faith, though no “big” miracles are happening around you.  Listen for the subtleties. 

What Esther was believed to have looked like.

And, I was listening.  When my pen began to fly during the first study.  I was engrossed into the study itself, but somehow I possessed the ability to begin writing a page full of notes for writing ideas regarding this study and overall direction of my writing.  Something, I had been struggling with previously.  For the next 9 weeks as I process this study, I’d like to be write here.  I hope to gain a greater understanding of the wisdom others have found in these words, of the culture of the time and how I am supposed to be written into this story as I go along. 

Comment here or think about what you’ve struggled with as a woman.  Have you found yourself feeling powerless in situations that you felt were beyond your control? Do you have a mentor you consult on spiritual matters or do you find your journey to be as personal and individual as I do?

I don’t know what this all means for me, but I do feel as though I am being called to listen, to think (isn’t that why I was given such an active brain?) and write.