Activity Overload

Oh my, what a day and what a week I am anticipating.  So many things on the agenda and here I have a relatively slow day, yet I feel like I am just spinning my wheels getting NOTHING done instead of EVERYTHING!  I think it’s just too much of too much and demands (mostly that I’ve placed) on my time.

Here’s what I really need to do:

• Complete (OK, start) some real Spring Cleaning. 
• Touch up painting inside my home, mostly in the kids’ rooms
• Clean all of the leaves out of the flowerbeds that I was too lazy to deal with last Fall
• Draft my fitness plan and THEN, put it into action.  I was holding off to see if I’d make it to the next round as a finalist for Mamavation, so now that I’ve found out I’ll be participating in the “Move It or Lose It” campaign instead, I can move on. 

I had wanted to have a post with more “meat” today and share a more mapped out near future.  But, I guess I’m feeling the way I’m feeling and there’s no getting around it.  So, instead of just not doing it because it’s not perfect, (as I would normally) I’m going to just work through it and try to avoid negative self-talk.  I CAN do it and I don’t have to be derailed. 

So, here’s a small snapshot of what’s to come over the course of the next few months on Life & Times of Me:

• A stage production at the community theatre
• A concrete fitness plan, goals and results that I will be sharing with you and even asking your advice
• My very first 5K
• Product Reviews of items that I use and trust, along with products that I receive to sample.  I will only post what I would recommend for myself, my family and in my household.  I’m very excited about the companies I’m partnering with to present these to you.
• Real Food/Native Nutrition posts, recipes and tips.
• Gardening and Planting Season – it will eventually arrive won’t it?
• Maybe I’ll write about the Elephant in the Room topic that those of you who know me well, know I need to talk about. I said maybe, but not until it’s final.
• Summer fun with the kids and our whacky adventures
• A trip to Italy

My feet are going to take me in some new directions this year and revisiting many old ones as well.  I was able to get back into my previous walking routine until we had another cold snap and snow, which also coincided with becoming busier and not being able to shuffle things around.  But, I intend to get back to at least 4 miles per day. 

At the end of the last year, I started hiking for the first time and loved it, so I’ll be picking that up again when the trails thaw and re-solidify.  Zumba and Yoga will remain part of the scheme of things for me as well as using more weight training, which I’ve not been real good at doing and my upper body SOOOO needs it. 

I’m also interested in trying new things this year like a 5K, an Amazing Race event, Roller Derby, Turbo Fit, Hustle, canoeing and white water rafting.  If it looks fun I’m going to try it, instead of being afraid or insecure that I will “look stupid.”  I can honestly say there are probably many more things now a days that make me look stupid! 
(This portion of this post is brought to you by Earth Footwear) 

What do you do to push yourself through demanding times and not get derailed?  Where are your feet taking you this year? 

Wordless Wednesday

A little bit of before school reading.

I love this photo of my children, ages 4 years and almost 7 years. He "knows it all" at this age and she wants to know everything and be a big kid, too. Every age is so much fun with these two. I'm not a mom who cries as they get older, I just continue to remember the excitement I had at each age and enjoy being excited for them as they move through their journey, too.

Sweet or Savory? Finding healthy alternatives for those things we crave!

What kind of snack do you typically go for? Do you reach for a bag of chips or heaping bowl of ice cream with toppings or nuts? Have you ever considered finding creative alternatives that would satisfy those cravings that you might not have considered before? For example, what would get to the root of ice cream with nuts and chocolate syrup? Is there some sort of “healthy” alternative that would satisfy that decadent craving? (By the way, if you hadn’t noticed, my choice would be the ice cream!)

I am a snacker. More affectionately called a “Snack-Ass” by a former co-worker but the definition fit and stuck with me! I could graze off of an appetizer buffet all day every day. I love cheese and crackers, chips and dips, a handful of this, a bite of that. My most recent favorite discovery is what I like to call the “taste explosion.” (You know, Ratatouille!) You know just that right moment where your taste buds find something new and go, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” For me, this is berries, nuts and cheese together or a spicy jam over cream cheese with crackers, baby dills and smoked turkey cuts. A good red wine with herb crusted cheese and truffle oil. Just the right creative combinations of yum.

I was pondering the sweet or savory for this blog post. My instinctual desire is to go for dark chocolate bars, ice cream, cheese dips, chocolate chip cookies and the like. Any type of appetizer, I’m on it. All combinations of that savory taste.

Recently, good old fashioned popcorn has become my standby when I know my brain is simply not going to listen to reason. I mean, honestly, there is no way that veggies and a bit of ranch is ever going to replace my craving for a sizable slab of cheese cake. But, a freshly popped bag of microwave popcorn, sprinkled with caramel popcorn seasoning and a little salt will change those cravings around to where I will forget about it and save a trip to the store. (I’m at least smart enough to not have it around.) And for convenience snacking, Orville Redenbacher’s has a great sweet & savory line of microwave popcorn to meet those cravings as well, like Kettle Corn, Cheddar Cheese and even Spicy Nacho! These are great to keep in the cupboard or in a desk drawer to act quickly on a craving!

I did begin to experiment with my “confusing the taste buds” theory after reading an article that stated most of our cravings actually come from a mineral deficiency which can easily be remedied by using a full-spectrum salt like Pink Himalayan Salt, providing you with more of the essential minerals your body needs. While I haven’t begun using a full-spectrum salt yet, it did make me take pause when I do have cravings to see if I can get to the root of it. I’m at a point where I don’t want the “hangover” associated with eating the “bad” foods, which almost always contain gluten and start a raging fire throughout my inner body. Maybe I’m lucky to have that built in sensor, but thankful to have been able to teach myself to pay attention to it.

With eating healthier comes more veggies and I love salads, but I hate preparing them at home for some reason. I could order a salad every time I go out to eat (and usually do). However, at home, I don’t eat veggies in large quantities or fruit (almost seldom). Unless I am stuffing it all into a blender for my signature smoothie, I am not eating them or going for them. Note: And by “signature,” I mean almost everyone I know turns their nose up at it the minute they see it! But, it is chock full of vital nutrients that I know that I need. Click on the picture below for my recipe:

I also started exploring peanut butter as a base to sauces or dressings. Another filling protein to add to the mix, and with peanut butter flavors like a Thai Ginger & Pepper and Chipotle Chile, it really adds some extra flavor that is not something I would have normally considered!

It has taken me nearly two years of experimentation, reading, research, trial and error to figure out what works for me. Which, leads me to my last point – do what works for you. You can read this and not identify at all, grab some “nuggets” to throw into your own life or say, “Yes, this is just like me.” Whatever, you do when it comes to snacking, it has to work for you and it has to flow into your life. Just the fact that you are thinking about making healthier choices, deserves a pat on the back. Every little bit helps get you closer to your long-term goals. Lasting change takes time, so baby steps in making changes are easy solutions.

This post is sponsored by Orville Redenbacher’s and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway hosted by Mamavation and sponsored by Orville Redenbacher’s Gourmet Popping Corn.

Chicago Girls Weekend 2011

Part of my 2011 Resolutions were to be more open to friendships, visit the people I always said I wanted to go visit and go do things to celebrate life.  So, for my monumental birthday this year in February (hint: I’m mid-way through my 30’s), I decided I wanted to go do something fun to celebrate.  I immediately thought of my three girlfriends I’ve known since junior high who shared a birthday month with me, since we’d all be celebrating this year.  One of them could not attend, but it became a group of six quickly and we chose Chicago.  I’d honestly never been outside of O’Hare, as I’d changed flights there for business a few times, so I was eager to explore Chicago.

We all flew in on a Friday and most of the day was spent traveling and getting everyone settled in.  We stayed downtown at the Embassy Suites on State Street, within walking distance or a quick cab ride to everywhere we wanted to go. 

The entire group headed out for dinner and dancing in the evening, but prior to heading out we thought we’d take a detour to the manager’s reception in the hotel aka “Free Happy Hour.”  It just so happened that a large bachelor party from Ontario  and several women affiliated with a very large dental convention were staying.  We had fun making new friends and catching up with old ones.  We found a nice pizza place not too far away for dinner.  We had the cutest little waitress from Macedonia, that I now wish we’d taken some pictures there.  Then we headed to a club and found more people from the convention in town and danced the night away into the wee hours of the morning!

Saturday was our big day.  We headed to Chinatown for a morning excursion and had Dim Sung for lunch.  We explored the shops where I found some cute little Kitty Kat chopsticks for my kids.  I have recently discovered that they will try anything new in my stir-fry dishes if I say it’s an exotic vegetable from another country AND give them chopsticks to use!

We also stumbled onto a really cool shop in Chinatown that had some pieces of Dr. Seuss’ artwork.  Interestingly enough, I was with a friend of mine in Chicago who was with me in Sausalito, CA a few years back where we saw the entire exhibit in a gallery there!  Being a huge Dr. Seuss fan – I was ECSTATIC! 

Next we walked through the cutest, most photogenic Chinese bakery I’d ever been into.

Since it was Chicago Restaurant Week­ we took advantage of the prix fixe menu at Elate at the Hotel Felix off Huron. 

I had the Herb Crusted Citrus Cod with Lentils.

And a Raspberry Lemon Basil Curd for dessert.

Along with a healthy sprinkling of fine wine.  We had a wonderful time and got it for a great value on top of it. 

We then headed out for another night on the town which included a brief stint at the Green Mill Jazz Club known to be frequented by Al Capone.  The very mean looking & sounding henchmen at the door barked, “$12! No Talking! No Flash Photography! No Cell Phones!”  Three of us arrived before the rest of the group and got to experience about 15 minutes of the best jazz I’d heard live, but sadly, we knew we couldn’t follow the rules.  And one look at this man sent shivers down my spine to think about what might happen if we couldn’t.  We decided to head next door to a gay sports bar.   A completely different atmosphere, however, more conducive to planning our next few stops of the evening. 

I won’t be posting any pictures of the rest of the evening, but I will tell you it included many extra fun birthday celebration activities by our group members such as dancing on a bar, several shots, a spontaneous tongue piercing, glitter and four of us got new nicknames!  We had such a great time, I was hoarse for three days after returning home from laughing SO HARD with girlfriends.  Something I had not done in YEARS! 

On our last day in Chicago, we were able to take in some culture at the Chicago Cultural Center.  The “Peace on Earth” film festival was also this same weekend, along with a wonderful photography exhibit in the Michigan Avenue Galleries.  Finding Vivian Maeier: Chicago Street Photographer was on display along with an exhibition called Off the Beaten Path: Violence, Women and Art

Lastly, we had a nice walk back down State Street to our hotel.  We crossed over the Chicago River and it was slightly misting.

This trip exceeded my expectations.  It was perfect, but I was just present in the moment, enjoying every minute of it.  Our group ended up being such a great mix and we had just the perfect amount of site seeing, shopping, exploring, culture and nightlife.  A perfect way to celebrate a significant birthday during a time in my life where I am trying to create a new chapter. 

Gluten Free Bio-35 Review and Free Sample

About a month ago, I saw a little ad pop up on the right-hand side of my Facebook page for Gluten Free Bio-35, a vitamin supplement from Pro-Biotiks.  They were offering a free sample. I have recently discovered that the ongoing heartburn and stomach trouble I’ve had for many years is a gluten sensitivity, so it piqued my interest knowing that supplements or vitamins in pill form often wreak havoc on me.  I was also interested to see that they contained Omega Oils, Trace Minerals from the Great Salt Lake and was formulated for Stress and they talked about “Energy Leak.”
According to their site, “It takes years for the cumulative effects of physical, emotional and chemical stress to take their toll on the body.” 

Bio-35™ and Stress

"Stress ... the cause of all degenerative diseases."
~ Stress of Life, Hans Selye, M.D.

“During routine stresses of day to day living, the body borrows nutrients from your cell’s membrane to form various regulatory hormones called prostaglandins. Also, the omega fatty acids in the cells are also used to produce other hormones needed by the body. When the body is under higher levels of physical and emotional stress, the body "borrows" even larger amounts of nutrients to manufacture the necessary hormones and prostaglandins to handle the "crisis." If the nutrients used during day to day stress or high stress moments are not properly replaced with nutrients from the food we eat, new cell production and function is slowed down.
Thus, we have cells dying or wearing out faster than new ones can be repaired or formed. We have developed what we call an “Energy Leak.” You slow down, feel tired all the time and experience fatigue, depression and over time you can develop degenerative diseases without knowing why. According to Dr. Selye, “ stress - is the cause of all degenerative diseases including high blood pressure, arthritis, diabetes, heart disease ... and vital loss of energy.”
Today many people are not able to or they choose not to eat a balanced diet of "wholesome" foods. As a result, the average American's diet is high in processed foods and many of the essential nutrients are taken out or changed due to the refining, processing (e.g., Hydrogenation, Oxidation) and filtering of those basic foods we eat.
Also certain individuals have genetic predispositions to certain diseases or chronic health conditions which put added "Stress" on the utilization of essential nutrients in the body, or that cause poor absorption of certain nutrients. Thus, even though they may eat a well balanced diet, using wholesome foods, their bodies need more of specific nutrients than the foods provide. Again, resulting in an "Energy Leak."
Added to our bodies daily stress is air pollution which causes Free radicals within our bodies. Free radicals are extremely active, uncontrolled positive or negative charged particles which cause physical damage to cell, enzymes and DNA linkage. They also oxidize essential fatty acids, sterols and phospholipids critical to cell repair and reproduction, creating even more free radicals in the form of peroxides - a domino effect. This rapid oxidation (deterioration) of the cell wall's nutrients is one of the chief causes of aging and stress, because cells die faster than new ones can be formed.”
My Thoughts:
I like this holistic approach to addressing genetic dispositions as well as individual body chemistry make-up, physical and emotional stress.  It’s been my experience that what might work for one individual may or may not work for others because each of us has a unique chemical make-up.  I believe in the value of continued Omega 3 Fatty Acids in my diet and anything I can do to optimize my intake, is bonus.  I also like that this supplement is also Soy Free to keep any unnecessary soy out of my body.
As you can see from the picture above, Pro-Biotiks sent me a full-sized 45 capsule bottle of Bio-35!  More than enough to make a valid assessment of their product! 
As for the results, I will have to give more time to adjust and their website also addresses that you may not feel the optimal effects until after 30 days or so, which is standard with anything new you introduce into your diet.  I do know they absolutely do not bother my digestive system, which is absolutely AWESOME!  I have more energy when I take them throughout the day, they recommend taking one capsule three times per day for two to three months. Their site also mentions, “Depending on age, severity of condition, attitude and exercise, the length of time for Bio-35™ to reach maximum effectiveness may take from a few weeks to several months.* A common mistake is not taking enough Bio-35™ during the first few months.”
More Info, Social Media and Free Sample:
If you would like more information about this product please visit their website here: Bio-35
You can also “Like” them on Facebook and read what people are saying!  Click on the “Free Sample” tab and get your own free sample and enter a contest to win some, too!

Jig Saw Memory

This past weekend, my 4 year old daughter and I went along with my parents to visit my grandmother who lives in a nearby nursing home.  Since we live in a small, rural community, her sister-in-law also lives there and she was celebrating her 95th birthday that day with an open house.  Admittedly, I do not visit my grandmother as often since she stopped knowing me.  For a while, I could see the glimmer of recognition in her eyes when I would explain to her that I was her oldest son’s daughter.  She’d immediately know me once I explained.  Then, I saw that she began to struggle to remember that her children had children and finally, now she has began asking her own children who they are.  I don’t have much of a family resemblance to my dad or that side, so I think she doesn’t even always know I belong to her family.  Still, I enjoy that my kids will get to see her and even have funny stories to tell about how Great-Grandma always asked who they were.  They will have memories of her. 

After Grandpa died, she revealed to her children that they had promised one another that whoever died first, the other would go into assisted living so they wouldn’t be alone since they had retired out of state.  A couple of years after that, she revealed to one of my aunts that she “just said that” for Grandpa’s sake and knowing that he was a very honest man, would keep his word had she passed away first.  After a couple of scary moments with her being in a diabetic coma, a fall, and her being found disoriented, it was clear that she could no longer live alone and she was placed in a nursing home.  Recently, she was moved back to this area to be in a nursing home closer to the “majority” of the kids – there were 10 in their family.  Which means she is just 15 miles away from me, but a million miles away as far as I’m concerned.

I am a very sensitive and caring person, but Grandma has always had a great sense of humor about aging.  A minor procedure on her eye resulted in her being a “One-Eyed Bandit” for a few weeks once, and she’d joke about getting rowdy in the nursing home or raising hell with her walker.  At the party when I asked her about feeling like a celebrity after getting her picture taken so many times, she just laughed and said, “And here I don’t know anything about it!”  

She had told me in what would be our last real conversation almost 7 years ago, that she was frustrated because she knew her mind was beginning to play tricks on her and she knew it was happening to her and could do nothing to stop it.  She told me she was afraid that one of these times she “wouldn’t come back.”  All this has made me realize how precious our memories are, even more so when they are gone. 

As I sat at the table in the crowded room, full of laughter, celebration and chatter, I watched my grandmother sitting next to me.  Looking around the table, almost desperate to just try to remember who any of these people were.  I know she is tired of asking questions.  My daughter was on my lap and had drug out a 100 piece puzzle.  My mother (on one side of me) was busy showing her how to put together the edges to get it started.  My grandmother (on the other side of me) was attempting to do the same as she looked around the table a bit at the unfamiliar faces.  She had grabbed two pieces and was trying to make them work.  They simply wouldn’t, they didn’t belong together and though she knew it, she tried once more and then threw them back into the pile.  All at once, I wondered if we were like those puzzle pieces to her.  Familiar, yet strange.  Somehow we all fit together, but it didn’t quite work in her mind. 

I was glad I made the effort to go see her again, even though she doesn’t know me.  I see that she thought that she should and that is enough.

How I Learned to Let Go & Love the Bomb (or Telling My Fat Girl Story)

So, I just did it.  I admitted that I'm overweight by making a video of myself for the Mamavation Challenge #8, telling the world my fat story and what I've failed at doing about it, what I've done about it so far and how I (yes, ME) will inspire other moms. 

My weight has plagued me my entire life.  Since I was 6 years old to be quite honest.  At least, that is when I started seeing the pictures of the fat little girl in my baby book and the family photo albums.  I'm not sure what happened, I really don't remember, but there she was.  Through high school, it seemed like all of my friends were pretty blond Barbies that all the boys loved and I was the fat friend who "had a pretty face."  I was the band geek, turned depressed goth girl, turned party girl eating Taco Bell at 2 AM, turned pregnant and breastfeeding mom on full-feed, turned corporate busy mom working late and making terrible food choices.  I didn't exercise at all, not with any regularity.  No matter the lifestyle I led, I always had the excuses.

About 2 years ago, I almost gave up and thought I should just accept myself for who I was.  I knew there was some sort of key in that.  But, the motivator was just plain giving up.  I even started smoking again after having quit for 6 years.  That was a turning point for me.  I thought, "I am NOT going to be this obese smoker!"  So, I started walking, I mean everywhere.  I live in a small town and people were trying to give me rides constantly, until they figured out I was walking for a reason.  This really made it public for me, I didn't want my ass (pardon the language) to be bigger the next time they saw me walking again, I wanted it to be smaller.

It worked.  I lost nearly 40 lbs in the course of a year, but gained 15 lbs after losing momentum and stopped exercising during blizzard season and the holidays this last few months.  Now I know, I need to take it to the next level and I actually want to.  I need to complete this journey and know that if I do it, nothing will ever hold me back again.  I want to put myself on display knowing it will be the way for me to seal success.  I want the next video I make to be a snip of the one below and then this physically fit healthy knock-out version of me just busts through the wall, like Biggest Loser, but with the momentum of the Kool-Aid man. (Just picture it, you know it will be awesome.)


Here is my video below and if you are interested in learning more about Mamavation, please click the button above or visit the site: http://www.mamavation.com/


OH, and one last thing!  Please support me in one of two ways:

• Tweet the following: Hey @bookieboo! I want @creativebug to be the next #Mamavation Mom. She has my support! http://bit.ly/aorv3Y 
• Go to the Mamavation Facebook page and tell them why you think I (Sandra/@creativebug) would make a good Mamavation Mom.

I would love to see your comments below as I continue on this journey!

Hey, you, get off of my Cloud! or Ow! Wait! Stop! You’re hurting me. Get your own journey!

Ever told someone an idea and they immediately jump to the conclusion that you will fail because they've tried "the exact same thing" and they failed?  

My first reaction is usually anger, exasperation, and a general feeling of being encouraged to be discouraged.  (And I’m just going to be honest; punching people in the face comes to mind, although I’d never really do this.  I just have a vivid imagination.)  This happened to me recently when someone else shared an idea that I had not really formulated with a group of people.  Almost immediately, one person piped up stating how hard it is, how much work it is, how they’ve tried it and it’s “not what you think.”  I wanted to ask, “How do you know what I think when you’re not even asking me what I think?”  

I thought maybe I should feel sorry for them.  This may have been a dream of theirs and they felt they have failed in some way. Maybe they needed more information or maybe approach it from a different angle.  It might be hard to think someone they viewed as inexperienced being successful at it.  But, I didn’t know their situation anymore than they knew mine, my experience or what, really, I do for a living or have exposure to.  I expected them to, however, so the expectation was mine.  So, I was pissed and immediately shut them out, all the while smiling pretty and nodding politely.

Later, I decided I should reflect on this reaction a bit more.  I mean, why did I get so angry?  I was angrier at the fact that some don’t listen to others.  That some people are so stuck in their head, they are so busy pretending to listen while formulating what they are going to say after you’re done, they don’t hear anyone at all unless they are being screamed at.  And even then, I’d be hard pressed to think they are really listening.  Ultimately, it probably had nothing to do with me, and, I have to admit, I heard what I heard, because of the delivery, but maybe that’s not what they were trying to say.  Even I was thinking about how they made me feel and on the outside pretending I was taking it in.  So, was I really listening to their message?

In the end, I decided to stop carrying it with me and be encouraged by the revelation that everyone's experience is their own.  Everyone has unique ideas, momentum, perspective and motivation than anyone else in the universe.  Everyone’s timing with something is different than anyone else, and timing, perspective and motivation are everything.  My personal journey is my own and that is a very beautiful thing!

I had the visual of “throwing Mama from the train.”  At the time, I visualized throwing this person from it.  Maybe that is what we have to figuratively do with people at times, but I also considered that I should throw my reaction from the train as well.  I mean, the idea will take hard work, a lot of time and I’m sure there are nuances that aren’t what I think they will be.  (I’m really trying, ok!)

Life is full of frustrations, but through a little perspective change, we can eliminate some of it.  I’m not going to give up just because someone said something like this.  If I’m going to accomplish anything at all, I need to accept criticism and critics of all kinds.  I’m going to have to have thicker skin and not indignantly think, “How DARE you!” each time someone is full of unwanted advice.  Mostly, I’m going to need to take it all in stride and use it as fuel for the momentum.  Maybe, even immaturely, revel in the thought of being able to say, “See, I TOLD you I knew what I was doing!”   

And even if I do fail at my original idea, I’m not going to walk away completely.  I’m going to do what I’ve always done - take pieces from the rubble that I think are valuable to move on and not reinvent the wheel.

What should I write about?

What should I write about? What should I write about?  What should I write about?

This statement has been rolling through my head over and over the last couple of years.  If I had a typewriter instead of a laptop, I think it might even be therapeutic to pull a Jack Nicholson and type it out, page after page, hoping to glom onto something.  Instead, I would inevitably copy & paste it inside Word and that would seem a bit more psychotic, I’m afraid.

A year ago, I made a real point to begin setting aside time to write and at the very least, have a notebook with me at all times, so that if an idea comes to me, I’ll jot it down or just let it all free flow out if possible.  I’m still doing that and I’m beginning to wonder when the exercise will all be over.  When am I going to stop planning to write and just do it?  

I’ve had so much happen to me in the last 10 years.  I have plenty of material.  Marriage, children, downsizing, the mortgage crisis, co-dependency, mental health, weight gain & loss - to name just a piddly few topics that I can think of right now.  I could write pages and pages about these and how it all affected me, my life and my family.  But, each time I set my mind on it, I wonder who will want to read about it from my point of view?  Is what I have to say really all that interesting?  I guess I wanted to write about my other interests to take my mind off reality, but the two, unfortunately, are very entangled.

My mother once told me that it’s good to share with others when the occasion arises.  “You just never know if they might have experienced the same as you.”  Well, so then what?  I always thought.   I hate to be the “downer.”  You know every group of friends has one who’s always got a problem, or fighting with someone or who’s been “totally wronged.”  You can almost hear the trombones playing “Wah, wah, wahhhh” bringing down the mood after everything they say.    For once, I’d like to be the person with a “normal” problem.  The dog groomers royally messed up my pooch’s trim job or my favorite brand of nail polish was discontinued.  It would, of course, help if I had a dog or painted my fingernails, but that is truly beside the point.  My byline on my Facebook profile is even:  “My existential crisis is actually just my personality.”  Almost as if to serve as a warning to people upfront so they know who they are dealing with.

But, I have learned that perhaps by sharing your adventure, you could reach someone at a point when they really needed to be understood.   Their situation and emotions, and especially the ones that can make you feel so alienated at times that you could shatter to pieces.  It helps to know that you are not alone in the world.  There really are other imperfect beings out there trudging through the life journey the same as you and they don’t really have it anymore together than you.  It’s nice to know you’re not crazy or even if you are, that there are other crazies out there just like you.  

And since writing this piece, I’ve discovered another amazing thing.  When you share your life with others (vs. keeping it all bottled up inside) who don’t ultimately identify with your situation, people are, overall, compassionate.  Just when I think I am disillusioned by humanity, I receive a warm hug, encouraging words and offers to just be there to listen or help out.

An Evening with the Stars

“I choose to make the rest of my life the best of my life.” – Louise L. Hay

I found this quote floating around cyberspace a few weeks back.  It seemed so profound and so simple all at the same time.  Like, really?  That’s all I have to do is just choose it?  It’s really that simple! Ya don’t say.  But, it stuck with me; I thought about it again tonight as I sat outside and saw the most brilliant set of stars I’ve seen in a good while.  

I thought about how beautiful and perfect they were.  I had just the right amount of cool air whipping against my face and it was just a lovely moment.  I began to think about how my children were so beautiful and perfect in their own ways.  Both full of awe, wonder and zest for life.   And then, I admit, cheesily, how beauty and perfection can be found in this crazy adventure.  Flawed though it may be, it’s still an amazing ride.

This week I had, what I like to call, a real “perspective changer.”  I wouldn’t go so far as to say it was an epiphany, but it was up there.  I have found myself stalling out and hanging in limbo surrounding a few things in my life.  Not that I don’t want action on these items, but they are things I’ve had to think real long and hard upon so that I could determine how I really felt.  But, after a year, I’ve decided that I’m not coming any closer to moving on these things or really living my life.  I’m just there, and I made the conclusion months ago.  What a strange feeling.  Not moving forward not moving back.  And truly, it’s been attracting a weird energy into my life.

I didn’t understand what happens to a person when they are going through a moment like this.  I’ve been of the belief that once you discover the root of something that’s bothering you, a person can just say, “Ok, I’ve felt that feeling now, so let it go.”  But, I haven’t been able to do this and it’s drowning me.  Where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going is just not unlike any other time in my life.  So, what’s holding me back?

I want to learn a whole new way of living so that I change my response to what the universe hurls my way AND how to be true to myself without feeling like it’s selfish.  I want to be able to put up my dukes and fight for what I feel is the right trail to blaze for me.  I was reminded at a funeral recently how a friend’s mom lived her life.  It wasn’t always popular, she faced adversity at times, but I think she died knowing she did everything she could out of love of her children, family & friends.  I felt a lot of admiration for her and I hoped she was proud of her work.  In Tuesdays with Morrie, he says on his deathbed, “It’s all about love and relationships.”  He believed we get too caught up in what doesn’t matter.  I even asked a special aunt in her last days and she said the same.  She was a woman who devoted her life to the sisterhood and serving others.  I wondered what I would be thinking about in my last moments.  

A good start would be to choose to make the rest of my life the best of my life.  Scratch that.  I vow to make the rest of my life the best of my life.  I’d be an idiot not to!