Illusion, Deception and Co-Dependency

Once upon a time, I began to have this nagging feeling that someone was not being entirely honest with me.

Have you ever had that feeling?  I think we all have, and it's the worst!

Maybe not outwardly lied to, but something was being kept from me.  It was such a feeling of dread.  I dreaded when I was going to find out what was not being presented to me in full, and anticipated how I would react to it.

Call it instinct.  Call it intuition.  I knew it was happening. I knew I didn't have the full story, and I wasn't even sure exactly who it involved, but something didn't "feel" quite right.  And I was determined to have that veil lifted.

Was I part of an illusion?

Had I been deceived?

Maybe both answers were yes, but it wasn't until I explored the possibility that I was acting as a co-dependent in relationships, did I realize that I was open to believing an illusion and open to being deceived.

I have been one that has always wanted to believe the best in people, but why did I have someone in my life who couldn't wait to tell me something hurtful, then ask, "Doesn't that hurt your feelings?" (And who did a lot of questionable things to be considered a friend.)


Or someone that demanded my trust, but never wanted to earn it, just once?

Or someone who won't be honest about who they really are?

Or someone that believes that when they get to a point where it's too hard, it's OK to blame me for things that have gone wrong?


Or someone who liked only their concept of me, but rejected the real me?


Oh, the list could go on!


My point is, I tolerated all of this.  Once I began having these doubts, it became clear to me that the question isn't "Why is this person a part of my life?"  The question really became, "Is it any wonder?"


I talked a little about this in yesterday's post, Are you living your entire life like Groundhog Day?, but once I began to question some of the company I was keeping, I could understand why I was beginning to feel a little crazy.  I had built up an entire network and keeping those close to me who any sane person would keep the furthest away.

 

It's just drama and you reacting to theirs over and over again. Your pain and theirs, intermingled in a sick cycle.  It is such a weird human existence, honestly it is.

It's best to just walk away from these toxic situations.  And I know that sounds a little harsh and also terrifying, but the abusiveness of how it all becomes, warrant leaving if you can get untangled for long enough to do so.  If even in an attempt to not abuse yourself anymore.


After years of trying to fix them and believing there was also something wrong with me, that's what I did.  Life is not perfect, but things are clear, and I need to be aware that I have these tendencies to fall into with people that my heart goes out to.  I also noticed that once I did, the sticky web I once felt surrounding me, holding me in, just fell right apart.  That, too, was an illusion.

The future looks brighter than I could ever have believed it to be.  I am beginning to discover my "old self" again and deep down, I really liked that person.